Yay!!

Day 16 - Leaving, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

Im on vacation for 5 days! I will be in california from tomorrow morning until Monday morning! I am excited, hoping for closure!

Wish me luck!

Were you planning on staying forever?

Project 365 day 15 Lisa and me, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

You don't fit in this hole, or don't you remember?
Hold your breath
Walk, don't run, through the graveyard

Is this why you've worked so hard?
Is this why you've run so far?
Same place, same hello, same goodbye
Helps you pick through beat up insides

I went out for some good conversation and wine with a good, old friend. I had a great time, had a really deep talk, and found someone to go see the alkaline trio with me on my birthday!!

I also got to talk to someone else about not feeling like I fit in here in Ohio. It is weird. It was fun to talk about moving to Oregon! :D I would definitely love that I think.

I painted my nails and I packed up for my trip.

Guess what? Ryan is going to be in Thrasher! I am so excited for him! It is the July issue so keep an eye out!! :D

Bored

Bored, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

Bored, lonely, anxious. Yep that is how my day is going!

Hope yours is better!

Lucky!

Lucky!, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

I'm hoping this will bring me luck in the upcoming days...

For some reason, I am really good at finding these!

Day to myself.

Project 365 - Day 13 painted toenails, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

wow. I definitely forgot how great time alone to yourself by yourself all day long is. :D

I painted my toes, got some new shoes and a couple new shirts from American Apparel. I love their shirts, they are so soft!

I plan to do laundry, watch catty t.v., and order pizza tonight. Hopefully there are some cheesy bad movies on. I may sew too, I would like to get a jump on things for when I am in cali...

Speaking of that...I am getting my shit together for my (super early)trip on Thursday morning. I am actually flying out of Columbus instead of Cleveland and thankfully my brother and his fiance live down there so I am staying at their house Wednesday night. It should be interesting. I need to get some candy and snacks together for the plane ride.

I am anxious, even more so after talking to Ryan yesterday. I hope things are smooth and fun.

Road trips are fun!

Heidi Kenney rides with Me, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

even if you are just driving to pick up your drums from Ryan's parents house!

I really enjoyed my break from Cleveland scenery, people, and everything. I loved my talks with Ryan's mom and stepdad, they are truly sweet and awesome people, and I miss being around them. They make me miss Ryan a lot.

I love this picture of me driving. It was almost dark and I loved how my pancake keychain looked in that light.

I miss Toledo, and Ryan and all of that. I am really looking forward to my trip next week. I can't wait to see him and the dog.

I have a regular problem

new doll, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

So my standard break from life is in order
I'm having trouble making sentences
I'm older but I don't feel any smarter

It is funny, but times like these, all I want to do is stay home. Sit here and hang out with the fam, sew a bit and maybe listen to some sad music. Oh and play minesweeper. I *am* addicted you know...

I did get this new doll done! She has my hair cut which I think is important :D I think a couple more of these little ladies and a couple more monsters this weekend.

Tomorrow I am going to Toledo early and visiting and getting my drums. It should be a nice time.

Sushi=yum!

SPT/Project 365 - day 11 Sushi, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

I am so excited. The alkaline trio is playing on my birthday, I had sushi for lunch and I have an extra paycheck this month that comes right on the day of my trip. :D

Things are good today!

I have also listed something every day this week on etsy and I have even sold a couple things. Things are looking up. I definitely feel great!

I am going to sew tonight and ride my bike. I know, same old, same old...

This weekend is long so hopefully I will get a bunch of things done and all of that.

Somewhere along the way,

Project 365 - Day 10, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

I lost my destination.
And then I ended up, yeah,
in a thousand different places.
The road is long tonight.
Maybe we'll be somewhere by morning.
We're never anywhere; we're either coming or going

I am feeling restless today. I guess it doesn't help that I love me some coffee. I did get some good sewing and drawing in last night. That always does a Lauren Smash good.

I also got a trade out that should have been out a long time ago. I hope the recepient can forgive me and my mental illness. At least I think being a super procrastinator is a mental illness. Another trade is on its way just as soon as it can be! Oh, and I have got to get something special out for someone super special.

I hate using conditioner right now. It is making my hair so soft and unmanageable :D haha Anyone else have that problem?

Well, off to sew!

my new pet! Love and a Sandwich rules...

my new pet! Love and a Sandwich rules..., originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

oh man. There is no pick me up like a package full of snuggly goodness in the mail. Thanks Love and a Sandwich!! You are the awesomest :D

I am feeling great today, each day is a little better I think. I am really getting myself on track. At least I am trying.

I am a little anxious about SF though, how its going to go and all. I expect there will be tears. I sort of feel like throwing up part of my day. Does anyone else suffer from light anxiety? At least that is what I am calling it. I did diagnos myself, I don't know how much weight that really has.

I could really use some extra money and I am trying to figure out a second job, I am hoping that I can sneak my way into the restaurant that my sister works at. I have never been a server though, I know its kind of hard. I am a hard worker though, so that should work out. I am just hoping to still have time for my sewing.

Speaking of sewing, I really have to work on some dolls and a new little monster design. I drew it up at work today. Sometimes stuff sneaks into my brain and when I should be placing temps on job assignments I instead am drawing and coloring with high lighters. Well not very often. Mostly it happens when I am on hold but it happens alright!

I had a good dinner too! I have been watching *really* closely what I have been eating. Today I had a baked yam and a portobello mushroom sandwich with bar-b-q sauce on it yum!

sigh....

Project 365 - Day 8 sigh..., originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

why do phones die so much? It is very frustrating.

Today was nice, work went quick, I made some super yummy pasta and hung out with my best friends. It was a nice evening.

I wanted to sew, but got stuck. So tomorrow, more sewing will go on.

I am happy because it seems like everything is going to go smoothly going out to SF. Work is ok with it, Ryan is ok with it. So it looks like everything is going to be good with sticking my feet into the ocean. :D
good thing! I am really looking forward to it.

Life....

Project 365 - day 7 Sparkly..., originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

its fun and confusing sometimes. I keep telling myself that the good isn't as good without the bad.

I did get my bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding today. It is actually lovely. I took a picture for flickr and then deleted it by accident. Story of my life. I am excited for their wedding very much. I have only been to one wedding since my best friend got married 5 years ago! Weird. I must not be very popular! haha Just kidding, not a lot of people I know are married anyways.

I am feeling pretty good today though.

I went shopping with my mom and got new pants and a shirt! I am going to sew some tonight, and I will have my first thing to list in awhile for tomorrow! I am so excited. I worked hard all last week to have that stuff done!

I am also excited because I am going to work out today. I haven't done that in awhile either, riding my bike here and there doesn't count. I need to be more commited!

I am ok right now.

I am thankful for Missy...

365 - Day 6 , originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

She is a good friend. She listens and gives unbiased advice on situations about subjects she doesn't even want to discuss with me.(I mean that in the best way possible)

I am thankful for this in ways I can't even go into.

My live is in a weird place right now. I am truthfully feeling things that I know are true real honest feelings but they confuse the hell out of me. I am doing things for myself that I think are going to help my mental health. After much heavy discussion with myself, I am going out to San Francisco. Just for a few days. Just to see how I feel. Just to visit people(and puppies) I miss. To take tons of pictures. To maybe help move a studio. To relax a little. We will see how things go. It might be the end of an era. It might be more. I will see. All I know is that right now I am sick to my stomach and sniffly and teary eyed all from a conversation that knocked me off my feet.

I have thought long and hard about how much info I talk about on here. I think it is important for me to get this out for me and also have a place to look back on it in the future to show how I have grown or not grown. I love blogging. It feels conversational. It feels nice. I love bouncing my thoughts and ideas off of myself and you.

I am glad for myself, I have decided not to dwell on things, I am going to move forward in every way I can. If I stumble, I will get up and keep going. I just want to make sure that I cover all of my bases, explore all of my feelings.

Please don't say anything to Ryan...

365 - day 5 David, please don't say anything to Ryan..., originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

This is a graduation gift for him. I am pretty sure he doesn't read this blog...

My first attempt at this cylider-type shape. I really need to get a better picture.

I had vegetarian french onion soup and a really good salad in Cleveland Heights today. I was so happy after dinner. I was full of good veggie food!

I am so glad to be a vegetarian. I thought that when I moved back to Ohio I would lose the vegetarian feelings but it seems to be the one thing keeping me holding on.

I am hoping Ryan's show is going well, or is going to go well, I know that he works so hard on his art. This is going to be good for him. I think the show is in just a few hours.

I did something weird yesterday and it made me feel good. I wrote all my bad qualities out on a piece of sketchbook paper and it actually made me feel good to get those feelings out. I didn't even feel like sewing until after I did that. I also made the spray can too, and it made me feel a little better about not being in SF for that show.

I do feel a lot better today than I did yesterday. I think I need a vacation already. I *have* been working for 3 whole months in a row. I think that deserves some time off. I know that we get a week from Monday off. That will be good too. I am going to pick up my drums from Ryan's mom's house a week from tomorrow. It will be nice to have those back too.

Go Cavs!(hopefully they can pull a win out right now...)

Like a martini balanced on a whiffle ball bat,

Self Portrait Thursday/365 - day 4...one step forward, two steps back, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

when a hard wind blows it's gonna fall down.
when the wind blows there'll be broken glass all around

What does Paula Abdul say? One step forward, two steps back? I am feeling pretty down today...

I feel like I let one of my best friends down. One of the most important days for him and I am not there, well maybe he doesn't care. I wouldn't give much for a friend like me.

I am obviously struggling...

I did get a new design of doll done, it came out in a good. I can't wait to take some pics of it.

I think today I am going to get on my bike, ride a bunch and draw some stuff. I am trying to make a zine.

Trying to focus on the positives, trying to send my good vibes his way, hopefully he sells tons of art...

Fancy Pants Dinner....

365 - day 3 Fancy Pants dinner, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

Mmm! Quality time with me and Amy's organic Enchilada dinner. Oh and a vanilla cupcake with strawberry mousse on top.

Words can't tell you how much I love these. :D I stopped after work at the grocery store today for some stuff and I had to get these!

I am feeling very up today. Spending so much time alone and with my sewing machine has been good for me.

I am working on a trade that is *way* overdue, and another one for a lovely girl. I love trading art! It is so inspiring. I can't wait until I get my own space, I am going to have so much art! I can't wait to decorate. I am trying to get my sister to get me a job at the restaurant she works at, just for a few days a week.

What is another thing to do to get you back on track?

365 - day 2 Bike riding pants, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

Exercise! I rode my bike today and it felt good. As you can see, I don't just roll up one pant leg, they both get rolled due to LaurenSmash fashion rules. I like my socks to show.

AND guess what: I still have time to sew some stuff up!

I made really good pasta sauce for dinner. I put Hot Shot in it, which is a mix of red and black pepper and accidentilly dumped a ton of Hot Shot in the sauce. I tried to scoop most of it out but way more stayed in than I would have liked. My mouth was on fire. It was tasty! I am loving being outside! It was nice today.

I can't wait to list all of my new stuff! I have a little stockpile going. It makes me very happy.

I did get a trip to the craft store in today too! Paint brushes for a fun new project, felt and an embroidery hoop so I can hang my heidi kenney embroidery in a cooler way. Oh and some $1 yarn for a doll for my buddy Sydney. And maybe a couple for the shop. We will see how it comes out.

I also found a star shaped mirror that I think I am going to buy with my next pay check. I should start stockpiling stuff for an apartment! Positive thinking is going to get me out of this house, that and a second job. I have to do some applying I think!! :D

P.S. go Cavs!

Baby steps...

Starting the week off right, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

I sewed a little yesterday. And I am going to sew today. I am taking baby steps to feeling better...

Sometimes it is hard to get yourself out of a funk I think.

I got my hair cut today too, that always makes me feel better. And work wasn't too horrible with the new people. I think I will be able to tolerate it for as long as it takes. Hopefully.

I am trying to take some time to appreciate me and the things I do. I hate to say it, but I need to be selfish for myself. Take some time and enjoy hanging out with me :D And you guys.

cold hands of winter grasp....

New camera!, originally uploaded by laurensmashtoys.

as i gasp for breath, is this my last?
no thoughts of dying, no more self loathing for today
so deck the halls with drunken folly
swallow resolutions, line our stomachs with illusions

Hi, I'm still around, just going through some pretty ugly things right now. Brought on by good old me. Feeling pretty much awful and worthless. Awesome.

I need to get my shit together for sure. I haven't sewn in a long time, it is making me feel awful. I am going to try to tonight and see what comes out of it. I am feeling like I am slipping back into my old routine from when I lived in Ohio before. I'm doing things and hurting people that I care about and making myself look pretty silly. Methinks its time for a second job and some alone time. I am going to try to get as much time to myself as I can in this upcoming week. Well, alone with me and my sewing machine, and my sketchbook, and my brand new clay and paint. I need to refocus. Spring time is a time for new beginnings, and hopefully the kick in the ass I need to get me out of my bad feelings.

I did get a new camera this weekend, that means I can take pics of stuff again, that is a positive thing. And tomorrow I'm getting a haircut which is going to make me feel a couple notches up too, you know how lovely spending time with your stylist is! She makes me feel good at least :D

I am going to take things one day at a time I guess. Tonight I will sew, listen to some music and draw if I have time. I really need to get some paintbrushes too. Maybe tomorrow before my hair cut.

I hope things are well with everyone!